


When we say Goodbye

by Zenece



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-15
Updated: 2013-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 06:55:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/884270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenece/pseuds/Zenece
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a lover dies...</p>
            </blockquote>





	When we say Goodbye

I sit by your bed and bite my lower lip while tears are streaming down my face.   
Your hand, firmly held by my own, gives me a barely perceptible squeeze. 

“Don’t cry Lanna...” 

Your voice may be weak, but it still holds the air of gentle command.   
Through my tears I smile fondly at you. 

“I can’t help it Kath.” I take a deep breath, holding my tongue against my upper teeth, then pressing both lips together in an attempt to gain control of my emotions.   
You’re dying. And I’m saying goodbye to the woman I love more than I ever thought possible. 

We had forty-three years together. I guess that’s more than some people get.   
There were ups and downs, yet we made it through.   
And, yes, at times we nearly gave up, because sometimes it seems easier to give up than to try. But why do it the easy way when you can do it the hard way, right?   
For every obstacle along our path, we came out stronger. We chose to fight, side by side, and we won – every time. 

But not this time. This is one battle we can’t win.   
I find it hard to just give up. I want to order every doctor I can find to keep on scanning and probing and to DO something. But there’s nothing left to be done. You’re dying. And no one can help you, not even me. 

All I can do is be there for you, with you... after you. I’m so immensely grateful for the years we had together. I just wish there would be some more to come.   
It’s difficult to say goodbye to everything you’ve always wanted.   
I knew this was coming. It was just easier to look the other way. Who wants to be confronted with this kind of thing when it’s not happening yet? But all of a sudden it’s there, and there’s no way out. 

I remember the talk we had about this moment. Because logically, when we don’t take accidental deaths into consideration, we knew that you’d be the first to go. You’re older than me, and Klingons have a longer lifespan anyway.   
I felt uncomfortable when you brought up the subject. I didn’t want to think about life without you.   
‘You’d have the easy part, you know.’ I told you. ‘You’d just die and be done with it. But I’d have to go on without you...’ 

Now I know it’s not that simple. Because you die, knowing that it causes me pain.   
When I die, I won’t have to experience that feeling. I’ll be happy, knowing that I’ll be with you once again.   
So it’s for your sake that I try to stop my tears now. 

I gently place my hand against the side your face and feel you lean into it. You look so fragile, yet still majestic at the same time. I know it’s a contradiction, but you can only be captured in contradictions. That’s one of the many reasons why I love you.   
Suddenly I’m not sure if you really know that. Maybe you’ve forgotten for some reason. So I hurry to tell you again, afraid that I’ll never have the chance to say it otherwise. 

“I love you so much.” 

You look at me with a slightly scolding smile as if you want to tell me that you haven’t forgotten at all. That you couldn’t forget, ever. 

“I know B’Elanna.” 

A surge of relief floods my entire body. You really do know. I can see it in the depths of your eyes. And I know that mine mirror the same reflection. 

But then suddenly the look in your eyes changes and I discern the flash of panic even before you catch your breath.   
Within moments my face is right next to yours. 

“Don’t be afraid... I’m here with you, always.” 

Your eyes don’t leave mine. Tears flow freely now as wordless goodbyes are exchanged.   
And then the lights in your eyes go out and mine widen in disbelief. No.   
I blink, but you’re still gone. It only takes a second for reality to fully sink in. And I surrender to the urge to roar like a Klingon. 

When I’ve released some of my anger into the air I slump over your body.   
Although I’m completely empty inside, my arm weighs a ton when I reach over and close your eyes. I bury my face in your neck, breathing in your scent. The finality of this all stabs me in the chest. It’s unlike any pain I could’ve ever imagined. 

I don’t know how long I’ve been there when someone puts a hand on my shoulder.   
For you, I will myself to be strong and sit up. It’s time to go for now.   
One last kiss on still warm lips. But lifeless. I start crying again. Not that I ever stopped. 

Someone leads me to a bed and tells me to get some rest. I think they’ve given me a tranquilizer since I suddenly feel so tired. But I don’t want to go to sleep because when morning comes, I’ll have to wake up without you.   
Yet I’m losing the battle against the hazy fog that’s trying to take over my brain.   
And as I fall asleep, part of me dies with you...


End file.
